testosterone arrived. tried to make pasta but i dropped the pan on the floor. that was the last of it. i wish i was dead. i'm so hungry.
i know all i do these days is complain but i swear to god i can't afford to eat. consistently ever since i started them i've only been able to afford food for three weeks. i always have to endure at least ten days of starvation like i'm doing now. what am i supposed to do? with no friends, no family and zero support, what do i do? i'm anemic. i'm so hungry right now i can barely stand. i just feel so angry at everything all of the time and there's nothing i can do because i'm hungry. i just have to lay here and starve and try to sleep the pain away.
i'm soooo happy to say that my testosterone is coming in the mail on saturday. after much faff i'll finally be able to start! i'm also getting injection birth control on tuesday so they'll show me how to do subcutaneous injections. this week i've just been gardening, one of my plants has survived and looks to be doing well. it's eight days old and has started to grow its third and fourth leaves, which is quite an achievement considering how badly the other ones went. i still have a bunch of stuff i need to buy the instant i get paid like a new light, nutrients and calmag, ph testers and hygrometers etc, but i'm hoping i'll have money before this plant ends up dying too. it's all looking relatively good for me right now, i think. i'm almost out of the meat i got from the asian grocery, but apparently there's one in town just behind lidl that i'll have to check before i buy more online. the frozen thinly sliced meat turned out to be really perfect for me because i can choose how much meat i have in a dish without having to go through the effort of cooking it properly because it's so thin. in scotland our diet is heavily meat based so we don't really have thinly sliced meats like they do in asia.
update a few short hours later and i'm wishing i was fucking dead again. the plant took a turn for the worse and is probably dying, my rice cooker won't stop fucking burning shit to the bottom of the pot, i'm fucking starving, i still don't have any weed and i've been checking the eleven pennies in my bank account literally every day now for weeks. ive been waiting to get paid since friday. i don't even know if this gardening shit is worth the money, everything feels so fucking pointless. so much left to buy. i'm so fucking hungry. i can't stop thinking about the fact thait i've lost 9kg of weight. i have a 5kg sacks of rice in the kitchen. thinking about how i've lost two sacks of rice in weight just makes me sick, but what would i throw up? the house didn't reply to my text so that was pointless too. i asked a food bank for support and they told me to fill in their stupid google form which felt like a massive waste of time considering i've literally filled it in last month when i was also starving and completely out of food even worse than i am now so why should i believe they even look at it? i was looking to see if there's any flats in glasgow within a reasonable budget but there's no way in hell i would ever be able to afford to live there. i really fucked my entire life over by moving away. genuinely i don't think i'll ever trust anyone ever again in any meaningful way after how i've been stranded here. i kind of even wish i was still homeless because then i wouldn't be weighed down by all my belongings and i could just go back. i still don't even have all of my stuff back, and there's no point in hoping i'll get them back. i just have to kill that part of myself. every single sentimental thing i've ever owned is still back there. i just have to tell myself that everything before i was 20 never happened. if my mum decides to read my diary from when i was 14, that just wasn't me. i'm such a coward for not killing myself, anyone with a spine would have done it over a year ago.
what do you even do when you've been completely isolated from the world for a decade? what are you meant to do to get out of it? nobody cares unless you know people. i'm still really gutted about that stupid butch meetup. you have to know people to know people, so what do you do when you don't know people and have no family? i can't help but sympathise with those old gammons who complain about how gen z is a bunch of entitled slackers who this that and the next thing because genuinely i wonder how the fuck people my age act as though they have as much problems as me or went through even a fraction of what i have when they've lived such sheltered lives. people complain about a loneliness crisis, but how the fuck are they lonely when they actually have family and friends who love them? the average person doesn't have the faintest idea of what it's like to be me. no advice has ever worked, i've genuinely tried everything. if you were me, you'd weep. you wouldn't be able to stand a day in my shoes. everyone my age talks about trauma this that and the next thing, pathologises everything, and all it leads to is people like me, who have actually suffered, falling to the wayside because thanks to everyone's therapy speech, i look like i'm making shit up and exaggerating. why the fuck does everyone have "dishes trauma"? why do people my age have panic attacks trying to cook pasta? have they ever almost been drowned in the sink? have they ever had their hand held over the hot stove? y'know, like i have? have they ever been treated like a slave? no! again i hate to say it but i agree with the gammons, this generation is fucking soft. and i'm the one who has to suffer because they want to be oppressed so bad. once upon a time, people would agree i have it exceptionally bad. but now every rich cunt had a minor falling out with their parents one time they are too traumatised to clean the kitchen which is totally the same thing as domestic slavery. every tiny little thing is trauma, every little thing needs to be therapised. when everyone is traumatised, nobody is. and people like me will never be treated with any dignity or respect and we'll never get the support we need and deserve far more than you.
i keep hearing people talk about how those who don't have any childhood friends are a red flag and should be avoided, people who don't have any friends are a red flag and should be avoided. all it does is make me think about how all of my friends left me when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, how people would stare at me like an alien because my dad had cancer. it makes me think about how the last time i ever spoke to the boy i had considered close enough to be my brother was when i told him my dad was dead. it makes me think about how my baby cousin can barely leave the house let alone go to any school in the area because how how they've been bullying her for years. i'm so scared she's going to end up like me, but even she has a sister and an entire wealthy family that loves her dearly. she's going to be okay. i won't and i never will.
i have great news! something really good happened but i need to keep it confidential until april. all you need to know is that i'll be doing a lot more printmaking in the future!
i recently finally finished reading of dogs and walls by yuko tsushima which i think has to be one of my favourite things i've read lately. yuko tsushima really has a way with words and her writing about her family really resonated with me. i can't imagine having to grow up in that family considering the amount of tragedy they experienced, yet even though my life is completely different to hers i found i really related to how she talks about the death of her father and brother, which got me thinking a lot about my own life. i really envy her and dazai for having lived such rich lives that they can write short stories about their memories when it feels like i don't have any memories of my own i could do that kind of thing with.
i've always made a strong point to separate my personal life from my written work, which is quite different from dazai's i-novels and tsushima's auto fiction. i don't really understand how they do it, but they write so beautifully and intentionally that it fills me with so much envy. i feel like it's a little disrespectful to compare tsushima to dazai when they're both incredibly talented authors in their own right, but they're just what i've been reading this year and i can't help but note the similarity in just how well they observe the people around them. i really admire how you can catch a glimpse into their lives from the richness of how they describe the people around them- when you read dazai talking about his family in works like cherries and tsushima talking about her family in on dogs and walls, you feel like these are people you could know in your own life. perhaps it's just because they're writing about the same people, but seeing their differing perspectives is so fascinating to me.
i don't think anything i could write would ever hold a candle to anything tsushima or dazai have ever written, but tsushima really inspired me to try to write about my family and the death of my father. i'd been trying to write a piece about my sister, but i don't want to write persona fanfic anymore after how people behaved about that wip. (my parent death grief fic isn't for you to insert your pedo ships into!) so anyway, i'm 2000 words into a story about the worst year of my life. before i started writing it i wondered how on earth dazai could live with himself writing about the people in his life knowing they'd see it, but i think i understand now. there's literally nothing anyone can do about what i've written, and like dazai i'm already estranged from them so i literally don't have to give a fuck what they think. what are they gonna do to stop me? so once i'm done wrting it, i'm going to mail it to their door.
i'm not holding back, i'm not leaving anything out, i'm not protecting my own ego, i'm telling it exactly how it was and exactly how i felt. i'm going into all the raw details so they can't call me a liar. or maybe they will, but who cares? they'll have to deal with the painful feeling of having to read it like i had to live it. my dad was an abusive piece of shit who kept me as a child slave, and though he died holding my aunt's hand, he was alone in the world. they're going to know exactly what they did to me that year and they won't even have space to retaliate because they don't even know where i live. it's what they deserve.
i really don't think i'm anything in comparison to tsushima or dazai, but it's cathartic. my life isn't as interesting as either of theirs, yet i've lived an awful lot. very few people have suffered as much as i have. my life is so harrowing i've been told it's haunted psychiatrists for over a decade. it's kind of funny, none of it bothers me anymore. if i can force my family to feel a shred of shame or anguish, i've succeeded. i want them to know what i went through and i want it to hurt them. i want them to know that my dad expected his death to bring the family closer and they abandoned me, just like they'd never been there for me my entire life. i hope it really hurts.
haha anyway pmdd is a hell of a drug. found out someone i hate is having a bad day so i'm chuffed dw dw
all i can think about these days is my weight. this is pathetic of me to say, but those snot nosed brats with their stupid self harm twitters have done nothing but give me constant ideas. my landlord's snobby mother came over to look at my freezer and the first thing she said to me is "wow! you've lost a lot of weight, at least three or four stone!" it's been constant. everyone who sees me talks about how much weight i've lost. i've had it up to here. my clothes don't fit anymore, and i don't have money to replace them. i'm just throwing everything away, throwing my life away, because it's been two fucking years of this misery and i don't have any money anymore. "wow! are you on a strict diet?" yes, actually. i force myself to eat a carb, a meat, and some veg once a day. that's all.
i just can't afford anything else. i can barely afford that. and none of my clothes fit me anymore and i just keep getting skinnier and i think to myself that some people do this for fun. if i wasn't such a coward i would slit my wrists. i want to drink bleach, but i've done that before and it wasn't fun. i just wish i was dead! i don't have any quality of life! i can't even afford to smoke anymore! it makes me feel so worthless and pathetic to tell people that i look like this because i'm skint. i feel so awful. i know this is a horrible, cliche thing to say, but i want my dad back. i just want a family who will love me. i don't even care about support i just want someone to care about me i'm so fucking alone. i reached out to my family and they didn't want me. all i have is staff and what can they do? bless them but they're already worried enough about me and considering nobody can shut their fat fucking mouths about the weight thing it must be really really bad. i don't even think i should talk to them in case they somehow work something out. i just don't want them to know. i feel like such a fucking burden, only there's nobody to burden so i'm just a burden on myself. there's nobody else to carry this but me and i just can't do it.
i've moved nine times since i moved out at 16. i've been to concerts. i've been to clubs. i used to perform even if i wasn't good at it. barely anyone has lived more than me and yet i haven't lived at all. i'm barely living. can anyone who uses their custom domain as a sad little vent blog be called truly alive? i don't think so. i guess i write here because i know nobody will read it. i guess people could, it isn't as though it isn't public, but would they? no. it isn't very interesting, and it doesn't have to be. i'm just suffering out here in my corner. i have one friend, if i can call him that, but i would never tell him about any of this. what would he even do? stop talking to me, probably. he doesn't know me well and it really is so burdensome.
i don't know why i moved from glasgow. i don't know why i trusted my mum. i don't know why i did any of this. if i was in glasgow, at least i would be happy. i wasn't happy while i lived there, but i would have been. if it hadn't been for everyone in my life fucking me over i would still be there and i would still have a life. i just think i should kill myself and get it over and done with, but i'm too much of a coward. i don't even know how to tell people i don't have anything to live for. they go through the checklist and i've done it all. i miss my dad so much. i miss my dad because i don't remember him or the sound of his voice or how we would decide what to eat for dinner. if he was here today, i don't even know if we'd still be talking. i don't even know if he'd like me.
am i likeable? it doesn't feel like it. it feels like everything i've ever done was wrong. i don't think i've ever done anything right. i've been thinking a lot about that project from a while ago constantly, like nonstop. i don't talk to anyone from there anymore, and i wonder if they feel ashamed when they think about it. how horrible that would be, for people to feel that horrible taste in their mouth that i feel when i think about my greatest achievement. i'll never do it again. it's at times like these where i feel so sorry for existing at all. it's so stupid. even the good things i've done were bad.
what's the point of it all? i don't have any answers. my life will never get better. the rot will get worse and i'll somehow end up with less than the nothing i have now.
the weight thing is funny, actually. i reached out to an emergency food bank or whatever and didn't get any response. even though i really was starving! thank you to the church, thank you jesus christ. maybe i'll starve so much i'll actually be something you could call skinny. isn't that funny? starvation doesn't happen fast enough! i've lost so much weight people won't shut the fuck up about it, yet i'm still fat! maybe one day i'll be skinny and people will like me. see what i mean about those stupid fucking brats on twitter I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!!!!! i'm not 12 i'm 22 i shouldn't be thinking like some stupid kid! i just think i deserve to get something out of this. can't i at least look good? if i can't stand for too long because i'm so hungry then don't i deserve to look nice?
i hate looking at myself in the mirror. i've always hated it because i can't see myself but now i can't even see the change but i know it's there. god this is going to make me so much worse isn't it? and nobody will care because i can't even destroy myself. i need to cut myself, i need to jump off a bridge, i need attention, but i don't want it. i just want to feel happy again. i don't actually remember the last time i was really happy. for a moment i thought it might have been when i wrote that one fic, but i don't really think so. i remember how it got so little attention at first i just considered deleting it. was i happy when i was performing? i don't think so. i think i thought i was happy, or i was going to be happy once i'd made friends, but it just never happened. was i happy before dundee? i don't know. maybe. but i had money back then, i had a small inheritance I BLEW ON FUCKING RENT LIKE SOME STUPID FUCKING SQUARE. I'M IN DEBT! WHY DIDN'T I SPEND IT ON DRUGS? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I SPEND IT ON SOMETHING NORMAL LIKE RENT? surely i must be a disappointment. i paid off my year's rent there and then like some stupid prick. i bet my dad would laugh at me.
nothing about me is extreme enough to warrant... anything. i don't have loud explosive breakdowns that push people away, i just do all this shit quietly like it's a full time job. how do attention seekers do it? where do you find the energy? i want it so desperately i just want something, anything, some kind of proof that i still feel like i died in 2015 like i've been saying for years. but there's nothing. i'm not concerning. i just want people to worry about me, but i don't. there's nothing anyone can do. i just wish something could be done because i'm so tired of grinning and bearing it. let's be so real i'm not grinning or bearing it i'm rotting away in this stupid bed doing nothing not even the things i want to be doing because i'm too bad at them.
would the world be a better place if i wasn't in it? i think it's negligible, nobody would notice whether i'm there or not. i've never impacted someone's life. but my world would be better without me in it, because i'm the only one here
i feel like all i use this website for is to write in here these days but i just don't have any motivation for anything. i'm canning the current iteration of my current project so i can just remake it in unity, but that's so much work i feel weighed down by it. they didn't teach me any low level languages in college, let alone c#, so i've gone from having a relatively good level of knowledge to completely nothing. i promise myself it'll get done but i doubt it'll be this year... or next year... i just don't know about anything anymore.
i'm always trying to find ways to occupt my time. still trying to find reasons to leave the house despite what i've been saying. i came across a local group meetup for butch lesbians on instagram and the other day i was lamenting the lack of lesbian communities and how it's so hard to meet people who are like me... i was so excited for it and everything but i got nervous and decided to message them and ask if it's okay for me as a he/him transmasc dyke to come along, obviously expecting it would be fine because i don't really live in a large place and i'm literally starting testosterone, but they just gave me a really backhanded response about how "you know yourself best" and how it's a group for butches only and i'd be welcome at more broad community-wide events (which don't exist yet.)
it's really stupid how much it stung me. like... i didn't ask to go to a hypothetical community-wide event that may be hosted in the future, i asked to hang with the butches. they gave me a really condescending definition of butch and were like "it's not an aesthetic" well i'm sorry for hoping i might be welcome around people who might deign to respect my pronouns, which i would expect butches to do, but not other lesbians. it just really hurt. i can't be butch, nobody would ever take me seriously. being called nancy, looking the way i do, and using he/him pronouns is hard enough. the label doesn't mean anything to me nor do i pretend it ever will... it's so american to me.
i guess this is karma for being an identity politics freak as a teenager. like truly, this is what i get. this is the hell world we all helped create. it's fun when it's tumblr discourse, not so fun when it affects your real life. if there's one thing i've learned from talking to queer people irl is that they're nasty and cruel and cliquey and apparently now you can't even join a club even if you fit all the criteria except a word. i tried to look at it from the perspective of my teenage self. am i trying to invade spaces i don't belong in? but then i realised just how fucking stupid that is.
i give up, really. i wasn't expecting them to be so hostile and passive aggressive. i told them it's fine, i just won't go... because i don't even want to go now. i pointed out that their posters said no terfs, so i thought that he/him lesbians would be welcome, but they snarkily told me "most of us are he/him lesbians acktually" which bewildered me. can i see the venn diagram between he/him transmasc lesbians and Butch with a capital b? i'm so sick of these labels. just because i personally don't vibe with butch doesn't mean i'm any different to those people. i'm just super taken aback by it. i haven't felt so dysphoric in months. i'm not even masc enough for the butches to humour me.
i love how opinions are malleable and ever changing. [said with nuance] DAMN!!!! THE FREAKS WERE RIGHT!! i just finished watching secretary which has to be the best movie i've watched in months, which is pretty impressive considering i've watched 21 movies in october alone. i just can't get over how good it was. but apparently it's controversial! feminists and bdsm enthusiasts seem to have a bone to pick with it and i can't believe i of all people am saying this but holy shit, have you guys forgotten how to have fun? why do movies have to be step by step guides for safe bdsm?? like damn that was a really good really fun and hot movie why do people have to make it deep? i don't know! everything has to be deep these days! [again i can't believe i'm saying this] LET PEOPLE HAVE FUN!!!!!! LET MOVIES BE IMPERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think i have a favourite genre and somehow it turned out to be straight up softcore porn. that's a joke of course, if i wanted to be a pretentious cinephile about it i would call it something silly like "psychosexual drama thrillers" or something like that but nah we just gotta put more sex in movies and tell interesting and sexy stories i guess.
the secretary nitpicks are sooo funny to me like "she never explicitly consented" IT'S A MOVIE!!!!!!! she was into it!!!!!! "mr grey is abusing his power as her boss" WHO CARES!!!!!!!!! NOT HER!!! idk idk idk! i just think ppl are lame! you ever see bad reviews for a movie you thought was fucking awesome and be like wow you people are just lame! you're boring! [said within this hyperspecific context] fiction is not reality! it doesn't neeeeeeed to be so deep does it?? augh augh augh augh augh what a good movie! ppl who are like "it perpetuates harmful stereotypes" SURE IF YOU WATCH WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED!!
i love movies!!!! holy fuck i love movies!!!!!! i love when movies are good!!!!!!!!! i especially love when a movie isn't necessarily a masterpiece of cinema but it's still really fucking good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all the criticisms are so silly to me when i can think of so many pinkus that are far more problematic and far more mediocre. idk! 15 year old me would start a fight with me on this but shut yo BITCH ass up about "problematic" this "problematic" that and watch the damn movie! you might actually like it! holy shit i love when movies are good! secretary was soooooo good! i love movies! it managed to dethrone female prisoner #701: scorpion on my letterboxd top four! which is so impressive! i love movies! i love movies!! i've watched 86 MOVIES THIS YEAR!! man if all movies were as good as secretary i would watch 86 more!
all the criticisms just kinda make me roll my eyes. "it's not a realistic portrayal of bdsm" ok well it's a movie from 2002. "he's abusing his power as her boss" buddy, the film is called secretary, she's gonna be his secretary. "it pushes the stereotype that women only like bdsm because they self harm" okay well some do! "he didn't ask for her consent" it's a movie and she's into it the entire time? "she did all that for a man" yeah and good for her! she got everything she wanted and she improved her life!! "he isn't hot enough for all that" DO YOU ONLY WATCH MOVIES BECAUSE YOU'RE HORNY?????? DO YOU???????????? idk maybe i'm just really pretentious and watch a lot of movies like this but personally i don't have my hand down my fuckin pants when i watch movies and i don't expect them to adhere to real world logic! a lot of you people lead very sad and depressing lives!
guess who's starting testosterone! i finally bought some, once it arrives and i can afford injection supplies i'll finally be able to start! it's kinda insane to think that by the time my friend comes over to visit in march i'll already have been on it for a few months. i went out to the pharmacy today to ask about needle exchange but they said no and asked a bunch of stupid questions so i guess i'll have to buy them online, which is annoying but not as though i have other options.
i'm currently working on a mouthwashing/red dwarf crossover fic, which is exciting because i feel like it's the first time in years i've had such a concrete idea in my head. i've already written about 2000 words of an outline that isn't finished yet, so by the time i finish the fic it'll be at least 10k minimum.... i realised about 1000 words into the outline that it was going to be a multi-chapter fic. the premise is pretty simple, what if lister found curly? curly becomes a hologram and has to write an incident report for the tulpar :) it's going to be good, look forward to it!
i seriously need to get off my ass and fix my website. no offence to the epic person who made my current site theme, but i had something much bigger in mind...
perhaps this is ungrateful, but i just give up. i don't want to make any new friends, i don't want to go back to college. i don't want a job. i know i'll never leave this town, so i'll just stop leaving the house. and i know that's what has everyone so worried about me, but what am i supposed to do?
i'll kill myself if i'm forced to move back home and i'll kill myself if i'm ever put in another care home.
it's my birthday. i wish society didn't place so much emphasis on birthdays so i wouldn't feel like shit. i will be spending this birthday doing nothing, not leaving the house, talking to nobody. 97p in my bank account will barely get a chocolate bar, let alone a cake.
i can't even drink anymore. every time i try, i throw it all up before i could even call myself drunk. i feel like it's been like that ever since i started antidepressants even though i don't take them anymore. it's such a waste of time and money. i bought myself soju for my birthday, but it ended up all over my mattress so i wish i didn't.
i've been eating pretty much the same meal every day for about three months now. i didn't realise just how soul destroying it would be. i don't think i realised just how soul destroying any of this would be.
there's only a few thematically impressive days to kill myself in a year and this is one of them. if i wasn't a pussy i'd just hurry up and do it already. oh well. there's always christmas or hogmanay.
perhaps it's stupid of me to say this at 22, but i feel like my youth has been stolen from me. i was forced to live alone at 16, i've spent the past six years worrying about money, and i've realised that i've become a different person. when i was 19, i didn't know what homelessness was like. i was optimistic about life. about a week before my tenancy ended in dundee the only reason i didn't kill myself was because i spoke to a neighbour of mine. i think it would have been better to have killed myself back then. three years later and i still need to do it.
it just hurts a lot knowing that when i was 16, i had hope. i thought i was actually going places. i took out an overdraft to move to glasgow and now i can't do anything because i still have it. i'm never going back there. if i move back to the city i'll be at least 25, and what's the point then? when i was 19 i was a drag queen, i went out every night and i had fun. now i'm 22 and i haven't left the house in a year, and i won't be leaving the house any time soon. i've tried everything. i reached out to my family, i contacted doctors, i got on the waiting lists, i went to college, i tried to make friends, i had a hobby that required going outside. i moved away from the small town that was killing me.
now i'm here, in a different small town, because i made the mistake of trusting people. if it wasn't for my own mediocre ethics i would still be homeless. i think if i was still homeless right now i would have killed myself months ago but is this any better? i actually saw other human beings more regularly when i was homeless because people wanted to make sure i was still alive. for months now i've been thinking about how i could kill myself today and nobody would know until my landlord starts asking where the rent is.
i think my life is actually ruined. i keep thinking about that one fateful day in 2015 where i realised i had died. everything in my life keeps coming back to that day. my body keeps moving, but i'm still back there. why have i kept going for ten years? when my dad died, i wish he'd taken me with him. nothing in my life has ever had any meaning, it's all just moving from point a to point b.
some people think about how they wish they could have done things differently. what could i have done differently? all i ever did was stand up for myself and advocate for myself when nobody else ever has. even if i had made different decisions, i would still be here, in this stupid room in this stupid small town. i wish i'd been stupider. i wish i'd gone crazy and done every drug under the sun as a teenager. how is it that everyone i lived with is doing better than me? i was the best one, why did this happen to me? i never brought the police to the door, i never kept staff awake at night because i took 50 valiums. so why are they happy and i'm not? why are they all married with kids and i'm not? what's wrong with me? why am i alive? why am i not brave enough to kill myself? what's wrong with me?? why can't i just do it??
well the day keeps getting worse and it isn't even noon. p called to wish me a happy birthday and she just made everything worse. why does everyone think they need to give me advice? she was talking about my mindset and all that shit, asking me if i've thought about moving home. IF I MOVE HOME, I WILL GO TO MY MOTHER'S DOORSTEP AND MAKE HER WATCH ME SLIT MY WRISTS. i can't imagine a worse fate. move back home? i asked her if she was fucking joking and she wasn't even joking. she was serious. move home! can you fucking believe it? move home, to what fucking flat? with what fucking car? with what fucking money?!
anyway i'm going to go make myself a birthday cake now. and by birthday cake i mean the same rice i've been eating for months. i can't fucking believe i'm going to have to deal with s calling tomorrow rubbing even more salt in the wound like seriously i've had it up to here and it's barely even started god i wish i had enough paracetamol to overdose truly i do. i'm still really tempted to round up all the medication in the house and just swallow it all but i don't think you can overdose from melatonin.
yet again, i'm so bad at updating my diary! i've been super neglecting my website... still working on the raising sim! my friend has written about 20k words for it and i've been working on the music, art, etc... it feels like i'm not making much progress, but it's getting there. very slowly. maybe it'll be finished by dazai's birthday next year lol.
speaking of birthdays, mine is coming up. i'll be turning 22 and feeling absolutely no joy for it. things here just seem to be getting worse, and i don't really have any solutions. i'll be diying t soon, so that's the only good news i have. i want to start now and hope and pray it'll allow me a shred of happiness before that's illegal too, but i don't think it's going to change anything.
i've really been struggling financially since i'm not in college anymore, it's been really rough considering i was already in poverty and now i have about £400 a month less than i've been surviving on for years at this point. i just kind of wonder what the point is.
the "urgent" referral i mentioned in february wasn't actually a referral at all, i actually only got referred to a psychiatrist this month. currently i feel too numb to be actively suicidal, but i've realised that i'm going to have to suck it up and start cutting myself if i ever want to get healthcare. i don't particularly want to because i don't like pain, but i think i'm going to have to commit to intentionally spiralling if i ever want anything to happen. did you hear they want to put job coaches in mental health wards? there are only one or two beds open in the uk at any given time, so it's crazy that even if you're sick enough to be in a ward (i have to assume you'd need to be at high risk of death.) you aren't free from these people.
like i said, i'm not actively suicidal, but my suicide is an inevitability. i will kill myself one day. it's going to be soon. i just want to try testosterone first.
also, i just wanna say, about that thing i was upset about earlier in the year. i'm actually over it now, which is a surprising thing for me to say. i got over it pretty quickly, which wasn't what i had expected since it was so important to me. i was really torn up about it for a long time, then i got over it. i had one bad day where i had a blip and made the mistake of saying something, but honestly i'm glad i did. nothing changed, and i think for me that was closure. the person i knew isn't the same person now, the moment has long passed. i don't miss them anymore, i don't miss the past. i just don't think of it anymore, and i think i'm happy with that. i love them, i hold no resentment, and i hope we never speak even again a single time in this life. i think that was really freeing for me. i'm glad it's over.
help! i'm so bad at updating my diary and i feel like i only write when i have bad news! so i'll start off with some good news :) the past almost month has been dedicated to the game dev grind- my friend and i have been making a raising simulator game. i've been learning a lot about them, it's not really a genre i play much. i found out that the shoujo artstyle evolved from lolita, and gainax the animation studio almost went bankrupt in the 90s so they made eroge for the pc98 by lolicons for lolicons. wonderful. apparently the princess maker series is a cultural icon in south korea because it was marketed as a family game...
could you even imagineeee being a korean mother in the 90s playing princess maker 2 for the first time and getting the ending where your daughter marries the player, her father?? it's one of those things where i think if you don't laugh at the absurdity you really have to cry. like, it isn't even as if princess maker is an eroge, it's super wholesome for the most part... but it was still made by and for lolicons. makes you go huh.
i've always liked stat raising games like urban dead (at least, from 11 years of playing, i have to assume that was the point of it) so all these raising sims like princess maker and ayanami raising simulator (ars is even more shameless about being creepy towards a 14 year old girl... get a job man...) got me thinking. i like the systems, but these are pc games from the early 90s and technology has evolved. i think it'd be super cool to some day make a raising sim game with interactivity similar to monika after story, but right now i'm working in rpgmaker. i'll remake our game in renpy if it gets popular maybe lol ^^ with more stats and stuff too
the grind never fucking ends though, man. we've been working on this game for almost a month now and man is it hard work! i can't even TALK about it because i'm so stubborn about wanting to drop it without any fanfare. i just think it'd be really funny. the script, written by my friend, is over 11k words so far and is half done, i've drawn the lineup and the alternate outfits for the supporting cast, i've started working on a title screen, and i've made four tracks for the game so far. i'm not very good at music and i don't really expect people to like it that much, but in my opinion game music only needs to be listenable enough that you don't get pissed off every time the damn thing loops.
i didn't fully pass my college course this year and they're discriminating against me for being an immigrant by saying i'm not entitled to funding all of a sudden, so there's the bad news. thankfully it wasn't a waste though, i don't know what will happen with funding but i spoke to the course leader and he says he doesn't mind that i didn't pass the final exam, since i have a different qualification i can do the course :) so, IF things go to plan, i'll be studying web development, and if not then i'll take a year off. i needed a year off anyway if you care to scroll back LMFAO so i guess it can't be too bad. idk if i'll be able to afford weed on benefits though, so i guess i gotta get annoying about taking comms
i've had a lot of time to think on things. i've spent the past few months being incredibly suicidal, but somehow i've gotten through it. i think starting over and cutting myself off from that entire friend group really was the right decision. by not having to see them all the time, i can preserve the versions of them that liked me in my mind and keep my happy memories instead of letting them resent me more. i still only vaguely know what i might have done, despite my best friend chewing me out. it doesn't really matter to me anymore, i managed to move on pretty quickly thank god. it really was tanking my mental health. i just tell myself that even if i wasn't a perfect friend, nothing i could have done would have deserved how they treated me. i hang onto the hope that one day they'll apologise to me, and i love them enough that i won't hate them just in case it happens.
i keep wanting to kill myself over money but i made the mistake of like, actually reading literature and now every single time i think about osamu dazai mugging a guy for rent money and resolving not to kill himself for another month. nobody appreciates how fucking funny that man was. every time i get reminded of it it makes me smile and gives me the strength to go on a bit longer. so thanks, dazai
they gave me an urgent referral to the mental health clinic, so that's something. i feel worse and worse every day, knowing i've ruined my whole life over the course of the past year and being able to do nothing but live with the consequences. i read no longer human the other day, and yozo made me think about how when i was a teenager, all i wanted was to see how bad things could get. i guess we're here now. there's no floor in my room, i don't leave the house, i don't have a life, i don't have a family. does that make everyone happy now? i have nothing. i'll keep on living, but god only knows why. i shouldn't, to be quite honest. all i've ever done is hurt people. i miss certainties, i miss the way things were, every day i ask myself where i went wrong. i just don't want to be anymore. i should seriously just rot alone so nobody has to put up with me. every day i get sicker and sicker.
i spent so long trying to do the right thing i think i forgot that sometimes you should accept the end of things with grace. i'm sorry for making decisions for others, but i think it's okay to know when you're not wanted. please don't resent me anymore, i truly do care. i did want to handle it maturely. it's not personal and i think i was the problem anyway. anyway, semi related, i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and hopefully i'll be admitted. thank god this snotty online stuff is over, that's for sure.
someone asks, simply, not in relation to anything, “why?” and though i’m very proud that i have cold blood and that i can keep my nerve and do what i’m supposed to do, i catch something, then realize it: WHY? and automatically answering, out of the blue, for no reason, just opening my mouth, words coming out, summarizing for the idiots: “well, though i know i should have done that instead of not doing it, i’m twenty-seven for christ sakes and this is, uh, how life presents itself in a bar or in a club in new york, maybe anywhere, at the end of the century and how people, you know, me, behave, and this is what being patrick means to me, i guess, so, well, yup, uh …” and this is followed by a sigh, then a slight shrug and another sigh, and above one of the doors covered by red velvet drapes in harry’s is a sign and on the sign in letters that match the drapes’ color are the words THIS IS NOT AN EXIT.
do you ever get that feeling where you're falling, and you know it's happening, so you
just accept it? i fell today and skinned my knee. it didn't hurt, somehow, and i just got up and kept walking.
it seems like the kind of thing that could be some kind of fancy metaphor, but no, today i genuinely ate dirt.
it's been a really weird day. i was getting ready for college and i heard myself think "of course you
didn't take the laptop down" and then i immediately thought, who the fuck was that? idk. wiznae me.
wasn't my thought. hey, whoever's in my head, mind your business! if you think it's so easy, why the fuck didn't
you remember?
we started our digital forensics and ethical hacking classes today. digital forensics seems like mostly common
sense to me, but i know just how bad i was at the programming class so i'm really not feeling confident on our
practical assessment where we apparently have to hack a virtual machine server. though i was speaking to my
classmates, and as it turns out you can actually fail a class or two and still pass the course. can't lie, i'm
relieved.
i wonder how practical it is to have all this text directly in my code. i should really work out how to just make
it a json like i did for my library page, but coding scawy and getting stoned and doing nothing is soooo appealing.
i really do need to learn jsons though. i imagine my game's going to end up using them somehow, even if idk how YET.
i know nobody reads this, but i once considered making a weed review page just for the lulz. is that kind of
nonsense you'd wanna see? real opinions, real strains. THIS... IS JUDGE JUDY.
i threw up in class today. it was really weird, i was feeling just fine- but then i breathed funny, and i
was having a coughing fit. and then i ended up coughing up sick?! it wasn't too much and i managed to get tissues
before hell broke loose, but hey. there was still puke on the floor.
i feel so sorry for my lecturer who walked in
to see me cleaning up all that. she let me go home early, so i guess i'll pick up what i missed tomorrow.
i got my
nails done though! the cutest little pink strawberries.
the last time i got my nails done the guy absolutely botched
them, but these ones are so much nicer. i honestly like going to the nail salon, which is weird because hairdressers
always make me feel so uncomfortable. i got to just zone out for like an hour listening to white noise with nobody
expecting me to talk. it's great, honestly.
in class we're actually down to a two day week now, or maybe even a one and a half day? on wednesdays i'm in
all day, but on fridays we just have an afternoon class. i'm gonna spend the free time working on my projects (web mmo)
and my epic top secret rpg, but i work slowly and on multiple things at once.
pray for me that i'll get work done for once!
my landlord wants some engineer to come and install new internet, but i like our internet just fine and i don't wanna
clean my room! (god i sound so 12.) so i'm putting that off for as long as possible.
this day just keeps getting weirder and weirder! what the hell??
if you're wondering where my tumblr went, i'm alive. idk what more to write than that. my reasons are my own... etc. i've been going through hell for the past two months in particular after the most hellish year of my life... i just can't take it anymore. i can't take people anymore... if you try to contact me i probably won't see it, not that there are many ways to contact me anymore. sorry if this seems needlessly overdramatic (it certainly feels it) i just figured i should leave a note somewhere in case someone gets worried. i doubt anyone who matters will notice, and the ones who don't matter are reading this right now, right? just wanted to clarify i didn't kill myself yet.
my life hasn't really changed much since i last wrote. i've been busy with college and i've
had a lot less time to work on my website since then... but i'm still working on things. i'm not very good at doing
things with any amount of speed... i'm trying to learn a lot about game design before i work on new projects all at
once. i've been spending most of my time smoking weed and sleeping a lot... i met up with my cousin the other day.
we were both really excited for it but i unintentionally got her in trouble and i think her mum found out she lied
about who she was with... so she unfriended me everywhere. i haven't messaged her since because i don't wanna make things
worse for her but agh... it's family, and this mess has waited eight years. i'll work it out in my own time...
things have gotten much quieter for me. of course. there's not much going on in my life right now, which i guess
i should at least be happy about. it only gets quieter though... i think i'm going to remove my about page, it's
even uglier than this page is. and i'm replacing the art link with a link to my pixiv, it's just EASIER.
i made a website for my college assessment... you can check it out here.
not so fucked after all! well, i was pretty fucked for a while. being homeless really sucked but now i've moved into a new place and i'm in college woohoo! ever since i moved it seems that things are looking up for me. i've been eating well taking care of myself and hopefully i'll manage to keep up with my work. now that my life is a little bit less precarious and i'm studying programming seriously, expect to see a lot more site updates. i'm planning on slowly getting through all the stuff i want to get done like a fic archive website, so get excited for that! it's not all doom and gloom, as much as it definitely seemed like it at the time. i'm still really gutted that i'm not going to germany but i suppose i'll just have to live with that.
i'm fucked and i'm going to die. no sardinia for me. no and one for me. homeless in pride month. the world hates clowns. i don't really feel like expanding. what's the fucking point? i took my and one countdown off of the index page because the knowledge it was there was really fucking getting to me and so was that last diary entry. so. life update. it all went to shit.
my new flatmate moved in the other day, she's very nice! she's from south india and we're going to cook for each other! i'm very very excited. the mouse problem feels like it's only gotten worse in the past week. i don't really know what could have triggered that, but i get the feeling that since i've cleaned up ophelia's mess, the lack of food is driving them out of hiding. like i cant even begin to tell you just how bad this has been for my mental health. i had to shoo an injured mouse out of the house the other day and last night i found one in my room. i managed to catch it and trap it under a pot. didn't really know what to do with it after that. i tried to tell myself i'd just let it starve to death but that's just childish. so. i was a really big brave boy who got the mouse out of the house. i fucking hate it i hate it i haaaaaate ittttttt! like it literally is driving me insane! but. only one more month of college and then i can move home again. i might as well stay in my hometown when i finish college until i get my passport and then i'm off to sardinia. i'm feeling a lot more positive about it since one of my friends was a real fucking dick to me today. i'm fucking off to italy and i'm going to get myself a scooter and i'm going to go places and do shit. it's going to be great!
skipped college today, too tired. we'll see how THAT goes... i'm totally failing again.
i'm seriously considering getting a job and moving to sardinia for a year just so i don't have to do college
anymore. it'd probably be difficult to get a job in sardinia considering i don't speak italian or sardinian,
but idk. maybe now is the time to learn. i just need to get my passport which is a fucking PAIN... my mum has
been hounding me about it for months. it's not that i'm putting it off, i really need to get it because i
really want to see and one for my birthday... but unfortunately getting a passport is a BITCH when you're me!
three hour long phone conversation with my mother. you know its gonna be fucking good.
she thinks moving to sardinia for a years is a really good idea, so i'm going to finish the semester,
live with my aunt up north for a month, and then move to sardinia. granny just has a whole fucking one
bedroom house over there on her property going unused?! i grew up in poverty and so did the rest of my
family so it's so bizarre to me. granny bought her council house years and years ago and then my mother
bought it from her and she used the money for land in sardinia. absolutely insane but hey if i can life rent
free for a year...
mum and i were talking about how mediocre i am. yay! no but really. i was talking about how college obviously
isn't working for me and how i feel like i've hit a wall everywhere and dont have any other options... and
she asked me if i really ever wanted to do art orif it was just what my dad expected of me and it honestly
just hit me that i'm the med student child and i didnt even fucking realise it. i used to think this is what
i wanted, but get real. i'm not good at art. i'm not good at writing. i'm definitely not good at coding
lmaoooooo. i'm painfully mediocre and that's all i'll ever be. it's really hard to hear "yeah, you're
completely mediocre" from my mother but it's true. the biggest compliment my dad ever gave me before he
died was that my art was "okay" and fuck, it is! it's just okay! it's only ever going to BE okay! it's never
going to be better than it is now! fuck! i plateaued! i fucking PEAKED! and it's all i've set my life
towards for the past ten years! i quit drag because my own mediocrity broke my fucking heart!! mum thinks me realising this is all very profound and she thinks it'll be really good for me to move
away but fuck me, man.............. my life fucking sucks. it's just one of those things.
oooo i will never be anything exceptional. the one time i felt like i was actually competent at a job some
cunt got really mad about it and tried to ruin my life over it i just cant win. sorry for being depresso but
it's MY website
i genuinely have no idea what to write here but i guess this is like a longer version of my update log. i havent done any web stuff for yeaaaaaaaars so i'm honestly so glad that it's coming along nicely. something something like riding a bike......