i've had a lot of time to think on things. i've spent the past few months being incredibly suicidal, but somehow i've gotten through it. i think starting over and cutting myself off from that entire friend group really was the right decision. by not having to see them all the time, i can preserve the versions of them that liked me in my mind and keep my happy memories instead of letting them resent me more. i still only vaguely know what i might have done, despite my best friend chewing me out. it doesn't really matter to me anymore, i managed to move on pretty quickly thank god. it really was tanking my mental health. i just tell myself that even if i wasn't a perfect friend, nothing i could have done would have deserved how they treated me. i hang onto the hope that one day they'll apologise to me, and i love them enough that i won't hate them just in case it happens.
i keep wanting to kill myself over money but i made the mistake of like, actually reading literature and now every single time i think about osamu dazai mugging a guy for rent money and resolving not to kill himself for another month. nobody appreciates how fucking funny that man was. every time i get reminded of it it makes me smile and gives me the strength to go on a bit longer. so thanks, dazai
they gave me an urgent referral to the mental health clinic, so that's something. i feel worse and worse every day, knowing i've ruined my whole life over the course of the past year and being able to do nothing but live with the consequences. i read no longer human the other day, and yozo made me think about how when i was a teenager, all i wanted was to see how bad things could get. i guess we're here now. there's no floor in my room, i don't leave the house, i don't have a life, i don't have a family. does that make everyone happy now? i have nothing. i'll keep on living, but god only knows why. i shouldn't, to be quite honest. all i've ever done is hurt people. i miss certainties, i miss the way things were, every day i ask myself where i went wrong. i just don't want to be anymore. i should seriously just rot alone so nobody has to put up with me. every day i get sicker and sicker.
i spent so long trying to do the right thing i think i forgot that sometimes you should accept the end of things with grace. i'm sorry for making decisions for others, but i think it's okay to know when you're not wanted. please don't resent me anymore, i truly do care. i did want to handle it maturely. it's not personal and i think i was the problem anyway. anyway, semi related, i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and hopefully i'll be admitted. thank god this snotty online stuff is over, that's for sure.
someone asks, simply, not in relation to anything, “why?” and though i’m very proud that i have cold blood and that i can keep my nerve and do what i’m supposed to do, i catch something, then realize it: WHY? and automatically answering, out of the blue, for no reason, just opening my mouth, words coming out, summarizing for the idiots: “well, though i know i should have done that instead of not doing it, i’m twenty-seven for christ sakes and this is, uh, how life presents itself in a bar or in a club in new york, maybe anywhere, at the end of the century and how people, you know, me, behave, and this is what being patrick means to me, i guess, so, well, yup, uh …” and this is followed by a sigh, then a slight shrug and another sigh, and above one of the doors covered by red velvet drapes in harry’s is a sign and on the sign in letters that match the drapes’ color are the words THIS IS NOT AN EXIT.
do you ever get that feeling where you're falling, and you know it's happening, so you
just accept it? i fell today and skinned my knee. it didn't hurt, somehow, and i just got up and kept walking.
it seems like the kind of thing that could be some kind of fancy metaphor, but no, today i genuinely ate dirt.
it's been a really weird day. i was getting ready for college and i heard myself think "of course you
didn't take the laptop down" and then i immediately thought, who the fuck was that? idk. wiznae me.
wasn't my thought. hey, whoever's in my head, mind your business! if you think it's so easy, why the fuck didn't
you remember?
we started our digital forensics and ethical hacking classes today. digital forensics seems like mostly common
sense to me, but i know just how bad i was at the programming class so i'm really not feeling confident on our
practical assessment where we apparently have to hack a virtual machine server. though i was speaking to my
classmates, and as it turns out you can actually fail a class or two and still pass the course. can't lie, i'm
relieved.
i wonder how practical it is to have all this text directly in my code. i should really work out how to just make
it a json like i did for my library page, but coding scawy and getting stoned and doing nothing is soooo appealing.
i really do need to learn jsons though. i imagine my game's going to end up using them somehow, even if idk how YET.
i know nobody reads this, but i once considered making a weed review page just for the lulz. is that kind of
nonsense you'd wanna see? real opinions, real strains. THIS... IS JUDGE JUDY.
i threw up in class today. it was really weird, i was feeling just fine- but then i breathed funny, and i
was having a coughing fit. and then i ended up coughing up sick?! it wasn't too much and i managed to get tissues
before hell broke loose, but hey. there was still puke on the floor.
i feel so sorry for my lecturer who walked in
to see me cleaning up all that. she let me go home early, so i guess i'll pick up what i missed tomorrow.
i got my
nails done though! the cutest little pink strawberries.
the last time i got my nails done the guy absolutely botched
them, but these ones are so much nicer. i honestly like going to the nail salon, which is weird because hairdressers
always make me feel so uncomfortable. i got to just zone out for like an hour listening to white noise with nobody
expecting me to talk. it's great, honestly.
in class we're actually down to a two day week now, or maybe even a one and a half day? on wednesdays i'm in
all day, but on fridays we just have an afternoon class. i'm gonna spend the free time working on my projects (web mmo)
and my epic top secret rpg, but i work slowly and on multiple things at once.
pray for me that i'll get work done for once!
my landlord wants some engineer to come and install new internet, but i like our internet just fine and i don't wanna
clean my room! (god i sound so 12.) so i'm putting that off for as long as possible.
this day just keeps getting weirder and weirder! what the hell??
if you're wondering where my tumblr went, i'm alive. idk what more to write than that. my reasons are my own... etc. i've been going through hell for the past two months in particular after the most hellish year of my life... i just can't take it anymore. i can't take people anymore... if you try to contact me i probably won't see it, not that there are many ways to contact me anymore. sorry if this seems needlessly overdramatic (it certainly feels it) i just figured i should leave a note somewhere in case someone gets worried. i doubt anyone who matters will notice, and the ones who don't matter are reading this right now, right? just wanted to clarify i didn't kill myself yet.
my life hasn't really changed much since i last wrote. i've been busy with college and i've
had a lot less time to work on my website since then... but i'm still working on things. i'm not very good at doing
things with any amount of speed... i'm trying to learn a lot about game design before i work on new projects all at
once. i've been spending most of my time smoking weed and sleeping a lot... i met up with my cousin the other day.
we were both really excited for it but i unintentionally got her in trouble and i think her mum found out she lied
about who she was with... so she unfriended me everywhere. i haven't messaged her since because i don't wanna make things
worse for her but agh... it's family, and this mess has waited eight years. i'll work it out in my own time...
things have gotten much quieter for me. of course. there's not much going on in my life right now, which i guess
i should at least be happy about. it only gets quieter though... i think i'm going to remove my about page, it's
even uglier than this page is. and i'm replacing the art link with a link to my pixiv, it's just EASIER.
i made a website for my college assessment... you can check it out here.
not so fucked after all! well, i was pretty fucked for a while. being homeless really sucked but now i've moved into a new place and i'm in college woohoo! ever since i moved it seems that things are looking up for me. i've been eating well taking care of myself and hopefully i'll manage to keep up with my work. now that my life is a little bit less precarious and i'm studying programming seriously, expect to see a lot more site updates. i'm planning on slowly getting through all the stuff i want to get done like a fic archive website, so get excited for that! it's not all doom and gloom, as much as it definitely seemed like it at the time. i'm still really gutted that i'm not going to germany but i suppose i'll just have to live with that.
i'm fucked and i'm going to die. no sardinia for me. no and one for me. homeless in pride month. the world hates clowns. i don't really feel like expanding. what's the fucking point? i took my and one countdown off of the index page because the knowledge it was there was really fucking getting to me and so was that last diary entry. so. life update. it all went to shit.
my new flatmate moved in the other day, she's very nice! she's from south india and we're going to cook for each other! i'm very very excited. the mouse problem feels like it's only gotten worse in the past week. i don't really know what could have triggered that, but i get the feeling that since i've cleaned up ophelia's mess, the lack of food is driving them out of hiding. like i cant even begin to tell you just how bad this has been for my mental health. i had to shoo an injured mouse out of the house the other day and last night i found one in my room. i managed to catch it and trap it under a pot. didn't really know what to do with it after that. i tried to tell myself i'd just let it starve to death but that's just childish. so. i was a really big brave boy who got the mouse out of the house. i fucking hate it i hate it i haaaaaate ittttttt! like it literally is driving me insane! but. only one more month of college and then i can move home again. i might as well stay in my hometown when i finish college until i get my passport and then i'm off to sardinia. i'm feeling a lot more positive about it since one of my friends was a real fucking dick to me today. i'm fucking off to italy and i'm going to get myself a scooter and i'm going to go places and do shit. it's going to be great!
skipped college today, too tired. we'll see how THAT goes... i'm totally failing again.
i'm seriously considering getting a job and moving to sardinia for a year just so i don't have to do college
anymore. it'd probably be difficult to get a job in sardinia considering i don't speak italian or sardinian,
but idk. maybe now is the time to learn. i just need to get my passport which is a fucking PAIN... my mum has
been hounding me about it for months. it's not that i'm putting it off, i really need to get it because i
really want to see and one for my birthday... but unfortunately getting a passport is a BITCH when you're me!
three hour long phone conversation with my mother. you know its gonna be fucking good.
she thinks moving to sardinia for a years is a really good idea, so i'm going to finish the semester,
live with my aunt up north for a month, and then move to sardinia. granny just has a whole fucking one
bedroom house over there on her property going unused?! i grew up in poverty and so did the rest of my
family so it's so bizarre to me. granny bought her council house years and years ago and then my mother
bought it from her and she used the money for land in sardinia. absolutely insane but hey if i can life rent
free for a year...
mum and i were talking about how mediocre i am. yay! no but really. i was talking about how college obviously
isn't working for me and how i feel like i've hit a wall everywhere and dont have any other options... and
she asked me if i really ever wanted to do art orif it was just what my dad expected of me and it honestly
just hit me that i'm the med student child and i didnt even fucking realise it. i used to think this is what
i wanted, but get real. i'm not good at art. i'm not good at writing. i'm definitely not good at coding
lmaoooooo. i'm painfully mediocre and that's all i'll ever be. it's really hard to hear "yeah, you're
completely mediocre" from my mother but it's true. the biggest compliment my dad ever gave me before he
died was that my art was "okay" and fuck, it is! it's just okay! it's only ever going to BE okay! it's never
going to be better than it is now! fuck! i plateaued! i fucking PEAKED! and it's all i've set my life
towards for the past ten years! i quit drag because my own mediocrity broke my fucking heart!! mum thinks me realising this is all very profound and she thinks it'll be really good for me to move
away but fuck me, man.............. my life fucking sucks. it's just one of those things.
oooo i will never be anything exceptional. the one time i felt like i was actually competent at a job some
cunt got really mad about it and tried to ruin my life over it i just cant win. sorry for being depresso but
it's MY website
i genuinely have no idea what to write here but i guess this is like a longer version of my update log. i havent done any web stuff for yeaaaaaaaars so i'm honestly so glad that it's coming along nicely. something something like riding a bike......